O Honorable Lord and Master:
Greetings O Wise and Wonderful
One, and allow me to convey certain news items that will undoubtedly be of
great interest to you.
I am writing from the transit lounge
of Moscow International Airport, having
learned that Edward Snowden is threatening to reveal the identities of billions
of members of Vigor’s Silent Fan Club. Apparently, U.S. government security
agencies have been collecting data about the biggest club of its kind in the
world.
As you in your infinite wisdom
are well aware, members of your Silent Fan Club are forbidden to contact you or
praise in any way your unmatched intelligence and unrivalled literary skills. Membership
is automatic, of course, but it ends with immediate effect if a member is found
guilty of admiring your literary skills or trying to contact you with paeans of
praise.
I mention this because President
Putin popped in yesterday to see if he could persuade Snowden to expunge his
name from the Silent Fan Club records. Like other members of the fan club, he is
sworn to secrecy and would never praise you in public. He wouldn’t want it
revealed that he is a fan of yours, and
thereby earn the public disgrace of being expelled. That would be too damaging
to his political career.
But at the same time, he IS an
ardent fan of your magificent prose and saintly behavior, which makes things
very difficult for him. As a compromise he has refused to admit to Press that he
is a Silent Fan and says anyone who reveals that he is, will spend 20 years in
the salt mines.
Your eminence will appreciate the
delicacy of the matter when I add that Snowden himself is a fan of yours, never
having praised you in public, so there is a good chance that he will accede to
Putin’s request and remove the Russian president’s name from the Silent Fan
Club records.
In return, Putin may allow Snowden
to remain in the Moscow transit lounge until Iran grants him asylum and an
honorary ayatollahship.
But I am not well versed in the
complicated matters of high diplomacy and I am tired from many hours of travel.
I need rest and a stiff whisky.
Nevertheless, I am proud to have been of service
to you in this manner.
I close with admiration for your
sage-like utterances, your ready wit and charm, the subtle thrust and parry of
your sparkling repartee, and the wisdom, Solomon-like, that graces your
princely brow.
Yours Humbly and Obediently,
Yours Humbly and Obediently,
IVOR TUNGIN-CHEAQUE (Chairman,
Vigor’s Silent Fan Club)
PS: I hope this all makes sense. Frankly I wonder sometimes if it’s even worth chewing through the restraints.
PS: I hope this all makes sense. Frankly I wonder sometimes if it’s even worth chewing through the restraints.
Today’s Thought
The better I get to know men, the more
I find myself loving dogs.
— Charles de Gaulle, former President of France
Tailpiece
“Do you know that in some parts of
Africa they get rid of ghosts by stabbing a politician at midnight?”“You mean, a human sacrifice?”
“No, no, only a politician.”
(Drop by every Monday, Wednesday,
Friday for a new Mainly about Boats column.)
2 comments:
Off the meds again John?.....
There are no meds strong enough to prevent this sort of thing breaking out every now and then, I'm afraid. But it's harmless enough, I always say, and it helps keep me sane.
John V.
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